The expurgated version (the one without the gannet)

I am throwing away mass shit, putting my past behind me and starting anew…putting my behind in my past as they say in the Lion King, hakuna matata…here are a few keepers in otherwise stupid and/or depressing journals…

From “All About Me” (a question and answer book) circa 2000

Lucky Number: 252

A smell that makes you pause: farts

A taste that makes you melt: chocolate

A hobby that occupies your time: Reading

A sport you enjoy playing: I should find one

Favorite movie: The Fisher King

Favorite Director: Terry Gilliam
Favorite Actress: Meg Ryan
Favorite Actor: Samuel L Jackson

Your motto: Life is what you make it

Favorite cologne: Ralph Lauren Romance for men

If you could afford it you would buy: video-editing software

You collect: Monty Python and Star Wars stuff

What religion where you raised with: Lutheran

You most spiritual moment: Grace Cathedral, bagpipes playing amazing grace, rose petals falling from the ceiling, me unable to sing along as about to burst into tears

Death is: incredibly painful for those left behind

Most beautiful childhood memory of your parents: vacationing at the lake
Most horrifying childhood memory of your parent: when dad got sick

3 traits you look for in a friend:

Honesty- they don’t try to impress people w. bullshit
You could confide in them and feel secure that they would not tell
Fun to be around…sense of humor

Favorite childhood toys/games:
Tape recorder (making up shows)
Barbie
Star wars figures
Hot wheels
Cabbage patch


Dream: to be satisfied with my life
It you had the talent and opportunity you would: be an actress
Something you wish you could learn w/ a snap of your fingers: to sing and sound good
Something you wish you could change about your self: more confidence, enthusiasm, drive, and strength… less emotional

When u r happy you need: nothing else!
When u r sad u need: someone to comfort me just by being there
When u r in love u need: not to be so goddamned neurotic
Your greatest fear about aging: just that the world is going to get uglier and uglier

Choose one existing movie or book title that defines you: women on the verge of a nervous breakdown

Movie or book title that defines your life: the incredibly strange creatures who stopped living and became mixed-up zombies

Movie song or book title that best describes your relationships: song lyric – “she obliterated everything she kissed”- Hole

If you could change anything about the world: people wouldn’t be so mean to each other
If you could be famous for anything, you would like it to be for: writing a good book
If you could change your physical appearance: smaller nose and better chin

If you could start all over: I would


Song lyric: Group Therapy

You say you have no future
Say your life’s a joke
Fixing things takes effort
It’s easier being broke

Chorus: everything in life’s so bad, quit blaming your mom and dad

Feeling blue? Well here’s a pill
There is no way, but there’s a will
Let’s finger-paint, and when we’re done
We’ll dance-depression can be fun!



A poem for TD

Your heart is closed to everyone; you will not let me in
I think that you prefer to lose…
It’s much harder to win
Do you only feel safe in your own skin
When you are drunk and angry?
Is it easier for you?
Hating things the way you do-
Sometimes I think you hate me too
We hurt each other daily.

Another "poem"(was for TD but could easily be for be for KT…wow, what a shitty pattern)

Alcohol, cigarettes?
There are faster ways to kill you
You think I don’t notice, but I do
I can’t stand the pain
No matter what I say, I can’t help you
Your liver will kill you if you let it.

Why did you give up?
Will I carry this pain around in my heart forever?
Do you know how much your words hurt?
I feel like your already gone
A child in a grown up body
My fair-weather friend
Would you find me more entertaining if I was out of control, too?
Skinned your elbows like a little boy
No mommy to kiss it and make it better
Would you let her?
You don’t let me
Fuck you for making me think you would.

Cajun Man Song
Undisputed observation
Interstate preoccupation
Automatic payment nation
Pending a hallucination
Based on the investigation
Unfulfilling situation
Distributing some frustration
Interrupting conversation
Premature ejaculation
Save yourself humiliation
A strange tingling sensation
Demanding an explanation
Very bad miscalculation
No instant gratification
A long distance dedication
Desiring evacuation



7/22/99
?'????, ????? ? ???????? ? ????? all of them, ?? ??? ?????????, ????, ??? ?????? ????? ?????? ????????? ? ?????? hootchie-mama. ? ??????????? ??? ????? ????? ??????? ??????????? ??? ??? ???? ?????????? ????????? ????, no matter how ?????? ? ?????????? ??? ????? ????, ??????? ????? ?? ??? ?????... ???, ????? ???? ????????? ??????????? ? ??? dick ????????? ??????????. ?????? ? dude yoga ?????? ?????? ???????????????? ?? ??????, ??????? ? ????????? ?????? ??????? ??? ??????????? ?????? ???????? ??????????, ????????????? ??????? ???????? ?? ???????. ????? ????? coworker ?????????? ?????, ??????? tits, ?????? ?????????, ?????? ???????? ? cutesy kerchief poo ?? ?? ???????. Theyguy ????? ?????? goddamn ? ????? Tex Avery. ?? ??? ? ?????? ???????????, ?????? ???? ???????? ????? ????? ???????, ????? ? ?? ?????, ??????? ???????? ??? ????? ?????? ???? ?? catty ? snide ? ?????? ???????? ????? ????? ?? ??????. ? ???? ? ?????? ??????? ???-?????? ? ??, ??, ?? ?????? ??? ??????? ???? ??????? ???????. ? ????; ???????, ??? ??? ???? pathetic ??? ???? ???????? ??????? ??????? ????? ????? ????? ??? ? ????? ????? ? ?????? ??? ? ??????????? ??? ?. ??? ??? ??? annoying ??? ? ??????? ??????? ??????? ????, ????? ?? ??????? ?????? bat ???? ????? ? ???????? ???? tits ???.



Episode VII- in which it become readily apparent that I am either a mean beotch or at least crazy. :
1/30/00
when I started writing this voluminous tome (well, at least the last part of it) I was in the middle of a strange situation. Now I’m in the middle of another situation entirely. It’s odd when your life changes so rapidly that you don’t even have the time to write the shit down. Well, I will try and continue now…what happened was ------Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
mir, zum auf ein Datum zu seiner Freundhochzeit zu gehen, bevor das Konzert wir bis weitergehen (OH-, vergaß ich, ich über gleichmäßiges zu diesem Konzert mit ihm so irgendwie gehen nervös war, hatte ich ---- eingeladen, um entlang zu gehen hatte er Luftwaffe, die Wochenende... aber ich abschweifen), so dann eingestellt wurden, verdickt der Plot (ein geladen diesem meinem Leben oder blutigen 90210), gut mich denken, daß das Abkommen mit ------ er gerade wünschte hoffnungslos eine unveränderliche Freundin war und es nicht ausmachte, wem. Und dort war ich so Knall! - Insta-Freundin! Addieren Sie einfach Wasser (oder Wodka, wie der Fall sein kann). Ich hasse, über ihn verhärtet zu scheinen, aber die vollständige Sache war recht dumm. Sie übte mich aus und ich relented. Ich denke, daß es ein Fall von Sally auffängt, nach einer Weile vom Gefühl war, das ich uninteressant ist, war gerade glücklich daß jemand "wirklich like(d) ich"! Plus, sogar dann verwirklichte ich, daß ich zu wie ---- begann und ich erschrocken wurde, um es zuzulassen. So suchte ich Schutz in einem Verhältnis, in dem ich wußte, daß ich gewünscht wurde. Ich dachte "gut, möglicherweise ich könnte es Arbeit bilden..." Bumsen gut jetzt ich weiß, wenn ich denke, daß recht weg vom Hieb er nicht geschehen wird. Sie können nicht Liebe gerecht sich bilden jemand, weil sie wie die rechte Sache scheint zu tun. Sie können nicht Gefühle fälschen.
And then blah blah I went on and on about ---- in sappy I have no clue about men detail . That lasted 2 years. Or maybe it was one and a half? And the hits just keep on coming…


“my dog has no nose!”
“how does he smell?”
“AWFUL!”

2/10/00

I want to have fun. Crazy fun, like the kind we had in high school. Kid fun. I want to not worry about shit. This, I figure, is why I love Disneyland, movies, cartoons and crazy music. It’s an escape from reality. So the question is, is it unhealthy? Some people have their Jack Daniel’s, I have my Little fuckin’ Mermaid. ADA- Arrested Development Anonymous.